I have been in a good mood since Monday (I wont say why because I’m still not sure whats going on), I am also back at university for the first time in 5 months. Registration yesterday and I spent most of it smiling and laughing (not because I was please to be back although it is nice, I wonder if my tutor has worked it out, I know Gav has). Today a good friend in Final Fantasy XI has quit, and I’m feeling a little sad which is a huge contrast to the rest of the week. He is the third in the space of a month and remembering that the others are missing has upset me. I have also begun to wonder how much time I am now willing to continue to devote to FF11 now that my marks in university actually count towards my final degree and that I want to start to build a social life. Its coming up to 1am now so I think I’ll go to bed and hope that things look better in the morning, for now all I can say is goodbye Cotter, Mae and Lucyy you are sorely missed.

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You will probably never see this I mean it from the bottom of my heart, but Happy 20th Birthday Kirsty! <3

Today I have an exam, its for a module called Computer Systems Architecture or something like that. It covers things like binary, logic gates and computer hardware. This is the kind of thing I have done for over for years so I would be surprised if I don’t do really well in it.

On another note I haven’t seen Kirsty for a few days I can only assume she is back in hospital. I talked to her on Sunday few a few minutes only talked little about some coursework. I hope she is okay.

I have often wondered where people with disabilities and other things get there strength from. I have a friend who I think its fair to say is having a really shitty time in her life at the moment. In the last 6 months she has had continuous epileptic fits, her then boyfriend cheated on her, her sister spent about 2 weeks in a coma, she doesn’t get much sleep because she starts having fits and waking up and she is in and out of hospital like a yo-yo. I would love to know how she manages to cope with that but some how she always managed to come into university with a smile.

Today and yesterday have been good, last night I was talking to a friend of my friend who is in hospital, she had her "little" operation on Monday (he used the word little). She is doing well and should be out sometime next week, I can’t wait to talk to her again .

Although the weather has been really nice for the last few weeks I haven’t really been out to enjoy it, or even felt in the mood to enjoy it. However, thinks are looking up I have been helping a charity called YKids setup a network and fix some computer related issues they have had. I think I have done as much as I can for them at the moment. I am waiting for Claire, the person in charge, to come back so I can get her to purchase licenses for some anti-virus software. I have also been invited to go to Llandudno next month with them for a training day which sounds like fun. It has been ages since I have been to Llandudno, probably before I moved to Onchan which was about 10 years ago.

I am going down town later, catching up with Jason and going to see a movie called Wild Hogs. I think it looks good but I have heard some bad reviews of it so I won’t get my hopes up to much. I’ll probably enjoy it even if it is poor, I normally enjoy a movie anyway. Thinking about some of the actors that are staring in it, it just can’t be that bad.

Why do people always ask "How does it feel to be [age]?" well I have now found the perfect response "I don’t remember." To be honest though I have been feeling lousy, I have been thinking about how my life is going and I have realized that my life is crap at the moment and has been for some time. I have waisted so much time over the last few years in that time I could have had a job and earned some nice dough but instead I have been sat at my computer doing nothing. Granted last year I did sell one of my websites last year but that was pure fluke. I have had a few people show an interest in Square Hybrid as well but I am not willing to sell that yet.

I am also thinking a lot about my future too and I don’t like where its going. I could quite easily see myself on the dole playing video games like one of my friends from college. I also see myself alone, and that is what scares my the most, although I think I could live my life alone and play video games all day every day it wouldn’t be very for filling and would I be truly happy? I have known this girl since last September and I have fancied her, I have spent a lot of time with her but have I had the guts to ask her out in those 7 months? Ok, she was with someone until at least December (mid January before I knew) and I did try around Valentines Day. Its now 2 months since Valentines and it was about 2 months before that.

One thing I would like when I die is to be remembered for something, I don’t really mind what so long as it is a good. The way my life is going at the moment I would be lucky if my headstone said my name. I don’t really want to end up like that and now is the time to act but based on how I normally go about thinks nothing will ever happen. One think I really lack is motivation, I always leave things until last minute but it does usually get done. However, last minute isn’t good enough would I really be able to change my life around when I am 70 odd?

I have always believed in God and that Jesus died to save me from my sins, but I have never had a relationship with God and that is something I have been trying to do now. Sometimes I feel like there is no one there. I have been reading the Bible as well I have heard how God speaks to people through the Bible but I haven’t read much that jumps out at me yet. I have heard my dad pray at night and he has asked God to show him that he exists so it is comforting to know that I am not the only one who struggles with their faith. However, I know he is there looking over me, little signs keep popping up and often bring a large grin to my face.

It is hard to change who you are especially when you are lazy but it is something I must try hard to do. I hope my enthusiasm lasts longer than the 20 minutes it has taken to write this post.

Friends are a huge pain in the ass but also a great joy in life. When everything is going fine its great and care free, but when arguments start everything goes rapidly down hill. I normally keep a small circle of friends often only 2 or 3 of us which I am really close too. However at university I have group of what started as 6, but now is 5, and they are fighting still. I am not sure what they are fighting about because I have stayed fairly well out of the way and I am not sure if publishing the details of what I know on the internet is a great idea because it involves some fairly personal stuff and I really have not got a clue what to do about it.

Well it is exactly 7 days now until I am 20. I am not sure if I am looking forward to it or not, its just like any other day…

Well I have just spoken to her, she has just been on MSN. She has said she has been unwell and judging on recent events thats not good but I’m feeling better knowing that she is still alive. I am currently have a neutral emotion but I have a feeling that I will be cheering up again soon. I am still debating weather I should tell her how I feel though, or weather I should wait and see what happens. I have also suggested that we go watch a movie (Norbit), go to a few computer fairs (seriously), go to Blackpool Pleasure Beach and go see Eclipse which is a show on there. Its fast, just thinking about this post has started to cheer me up, I feel like singing… probably a good idea not too though I don’t have enough money to replace the windows.

A little over a week ago I was on top of the world, today I don’t remember when I lest felt this bad. You see, if you have not worked it out from previous posts there is this girl I like. I know she is going to have a very serious operation soon (I don’t know when exactly) but since I have not seen her on MSN in 5 days I am guessing she has ether had it or is about too. Well I am worried, I actually feel sick.