Been 20 for a few days and its not good
Why do people always ask "How does it feel to be [age]?" well I have now found the perfect response "I don’t remember." To be honest though I have been feeling lousy, I have been thinking about how my life is going and I have realized that my life is crap at the moment and has been for some time. I have waisted so much time over the last few years in that time I could have had a job and earned some nice dough but instead I have been sat at my computer doing nothing. Granted last year I did sell one of my websites last year but that was pure fluke. I have had a few people show an interest in Square Hybrid as well but I am not willing to sell that yet.
I am also thinking a lot about my future too and I don’t like where its going. I could quite easily see myself on the dole playing video games like one of my friends from college. I also see myself alone, and that is what scares my the most, although I think I could live my life alone and play video games all day every day it wouldn’t be very for filling and would I be truly happy? I have known this girl since last September and I have fancied her, I have spent a lot of time with her but have I had the guts to ask her out in those 7 months? Ok, she was with someone until at least December (mid January before I knew) and I did try around Valentines Day. Its now 2 months since Valentines and it was about 2 months before that.
One thing I would like when I die is to be remembered for something, I don’t really mind what so long as it is a good. The way my life is going at the moment I would be lucky if my headstone said my name. I don’t really want to end up like that and now is the time to act but based on how I normally go about thinks nothing will ever happen. One think I really lack is motivation, I always leave things until last minute but it does usually get done. However, last minute isn’t good enough would I really be able to change my life around when I am 70 odd?
I have always believed in God and that Jesus died to save me from my sins, but I have never had a relationship with God and that is something I have been trying to do now. Sometimes I feel like there is no one there. I have been reading the Bible as well I have heard how God speaks to people through the Bible but I haven’t read much that jumps out at me yet. I have heard my dad pray at night and he has asked God to show him that he exists so it is comforting to know that I am not the only one who struggles with their faith. However, I know he is there looking over me, little signs keep popping up and often bring a large grin to my face.
It is hard to change who you are especially when you are lazy but it is something I must try hard to do. I hope my enthusiasm lasts longer than the 20 minutes it has taken to write this post.